Lindsay Lohan's Jail Term Could End Soon

First, Lindsay Lohan was sentenced to 90 says in jail and then 90 days in a rehab facility for failing to comply with the terms of her parole. Then, after flipping off the judge and attempting to convince her she did exactly as she was told and maintained she only strapped drugs to donkeys and marched them to Vegas on weekends, it was reported she would only serve 23 days in jail, due to the overcrowding of California jails and the relative insignificance of her crimes (compared to murderers and rapists, that is). But today, we've heard rumors she'll be out of there and breathing fresh air (or, breathing as much as her two packs a day lungs will allow her to) even sooner! In fact, Lindsay's old lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley, said she could be released as soon as the end of the month. Cue the trombones, fame whores!

Holley said, "it's our expectation that Ms. Lohan will get additional time credit from her earlier times in custody and that will reduce her jail time."

To which I think we can collectively add: what "additional credit?" It's not like she beat the computer player in Mortal Kombat and was given more lives to use when she went up against the transparent dude in the next level! Technically, the "additional credit" will come from the time she was in jail for a whopping 84 minutes in 2007. But how can that count towards anything? And why should it? What's the point of sentencing her to 90 days if the courts keep coming up with reasons for why she shouldn't serve 90 days? And why in a child's belief in Santa should her previous 84 minutes in jail count for a sentence that's already been reduced by at least three quarters?

But this is one of those things we have no control over, LIKE WHEN THE REPAIRMAN'S SUPPOSED TO COME TO FIX A DISHWASHER! She'll be out soon enough, and then we'll all go back to complaining how she's stealing all the chocolate chip cookies on first-class flights and drinking all the Svedka before we can get our hands on it. Just like old times.

Amanda Bynes 'Unretires': Celeb Speak

Two good things happened this weekend, and neither one of them was me paying my rent on time! One of them was the premiere of Mad Men last night, and the other one was that Amanda Bynes came out of retirement! In a tweet that was posted on Friday, she wrote (quite simply):

"I've unretired."

Stop focusing on whether or not "unretired" is a word -- it isn't. You're missing the big picture, which is AMANDA BYNES IS BACK! It's a good thing too, because the world would have continued to starve for the child actress who does tasteful spreads in Maxim and cutesy articles in Cosmopolitan before randomly appearing in a movie as a supporting character, only to appear as another supporting character in her next movie! She's the only one out there that can do that! We need her, for she provides a tremendous service to us in a world full of Scarlett Johanssons and Sandra Bullocks. Not everybody can be such an easy success, otherwise there'd be no point in trying! And she reminds us of that!

'Jersey Shore' Cast: Where Are They Now?

It feels like quite a long time since our eyes have been assaulted with a fist pump, a GTL session, or a conversation on the infamous duck phone. And in truth, it has! The last time we saw the Jersey Shore members in their native habitat was in December – almost 8 months ago! Nobody’s meant to go that long without a pouf or a night slamming shots from a neon glowing test tube on the beach. It goes against the genetic components of our species.

But luckily for us, the last 8 months of our lives haven’t been completely devoid of the shore and its mysteriously colored dwellers. In fact, we’ve seen them in quite a few places! Let’s take a look at how each member of the shore has grown, and sometimes, even taken steps off in their own directions.

We'll start with arguably the show’s biggest star, The Situation. Since the first season of the show ended, the Situation began the process of releasing his own ab workout DVD, so he could make the abdominals even more popular than when Videodrome was released. Filming the DVD has wrapped and now the Sitch is pursuing a career as a rapper (the song below, we can hopefully assume, was just practice) and is looking to perform in a duet with Enrique Iglesias -- who, totally randomly and surprisingly, is a fan of the show. In his spare time, the Sitch supervises a group of major nerds called “lawyers” who assist him in trademarking his nickname, relives his glory days on an MTV show called “When I Was 17,” and tries and figure out how he can spin his life into a fantastic story like Princess Diana, but without having to die first. (It’s not me saying that…it’s him!) 

 

Our dear Snooki is pretty busy, too. She’s become a spokeswoman for TWO products: Dr. Siegel’s heavenly Cookie Diet – which has helped her lose 10 pounds – and for Sunlove Tanning's and goos and lathers. Additionally, when she’s not holding photo shoots with her significant juicehead in Rockefeller Center, she’s trademarking her name so she can release a series of books that may or may not be more entertaining than any of R.L. Stein’s Goosebumps. She’s also about to come out with some hair products, which even though is her most boring endeavor, will probably give her the most bank.

JWoww is joyfully skipping down the road of skankified couture. Her line, called Filthy Courture, can be bought online and can be shipped so its delivery coincides with your the arrival of your Penis Gummies and that “massager” that you’ll swear to your mother is just for your neck. She’s also penned (or posed for Maxim while someone else wrote it) called Never Fall in Love at the Jersey Shore, because it wasn’t already clear when Ronnie K.O.ed that guy on the boardwalk.

Pauly D. and his Italian flag bedazzled Macbook Pro have hosted numerous events in NYC (in January he spun at Sutton Place and he’s had several dance parties since then) and he’s even come out with his own uplifting tune, “Beat Dat Beat," as heard below. At the moment that I’m writing this, it does not have a spot on iTunes’ Top 200 Singles chart. But some intern probably screwed it up and I bet they’re fixing it as we speak, because how can a nominee for the award “America’s Best DJ” not have a coveted spot?

 

Ronnie hasn’t done much. He has, however, capitalized on the book that he and JWoww released.

Sammi hasn’t exactly been collecting sweat on her brow in back-to-back business meetings, either.

Angelina, who I can’t decide if is important to the show or not but I’m leaning towards not, told Radar Online she’s following in Pauly D. and the Situation’s footsteps by recording a song called “All About Me.” She’s also developing an iPhone app, called “Score a Shore Girl.” You know, because they have standards that not everyone knows about.

And last but not least, Vinny still plans on heading off to Yale or Harvard to learn about law. How boring.

Miranda Kerr Is Pregnant

Do you know who else is pregnant? Christina Applegate! She and her fiancé Martyn Lenoble dated two years before becoming engaged this past Valentine's Day, and are now making late night runs to Chipotle. The two met after Christina had a double mastectomy, from which Martyn helped her recover. She's said "'m very grateful to Martyn for coming along at a time that he did because he's been my rock through all of this. He gave me something to really want to live for and something to smile about," which is quite nice now because she's pregnant, and that's a little thing we in the English language like to call "forshadowing."

But do you know who else is pregnant? Emily Procter! In the past, she's been quoted saying she "can't wait" to get pregnant, so it's sweet that she and her partner Paul Bryan, are finally expecting. E Online reports Procter already knows the sex of the baby, but isn't telling which is not really that much fun for us. But she's the one who's going to have the stretchmarks, so maybe keeping it a secret will cancel out the unpleasantness that's expected in that area. As for her job on CSI: Miami, the writers aren't planning on incorporating the pregnancy into the show. So bring on the briefcases and random pillows that don't belong to a sofa or a bed!

And finally, Doutzen Kroes is also pregnant. She's a Victoria's Secret model also, and like the rest of them, she's totally thrilled! She and fiancé DJ Sunnery James are only three months in and their heads are already "in the clouds." Kroes plans to keep modeling until she's closer to her due date because Heidi Klum and Adrianna Lima made it the only thing to do that's cooler than embroidering "pink lady" on to the back of a member's only jacket.